Beyond Parallel Parenting: Recognizing Counter-Parenting
When Co-Parenting Isn’t Safe, Healthy, or Possible
There’s a version of post-divorce parenting that gets talked about a lot.
It’s the ideal.
The gold standard.
The one where both parents communicate easily, align on values, and make decisions together.
It’s called co-parenting.
And for many people… it’s simply not reality.
For those navigating high-conflict dynamics, coercive control, or post-separation abuse, the expectation of “working together” can actually cause more harm than good.
That’s where parallel parenting comes in.
And for many of my clients, it’s not just a strategy—it’s a lifeline.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured approach where each parent operates independently in their own household, with minimal direct interaction.
You are not collaborating.
You are not negotiating daily decisions.
You are not trying to align values.
You are parenting your child—fully and intentionally—on your time, in your home.
And the other parent is doing the same in theirs.
It reduces conflict.
It reduces opportunities for control.
It gives your nervous system permission to step out of survival mode.
But What If They Aren’t Just Parenting Differently?
There is an important distinction that rarely gets discussed.
Sometimes, parents simply have different values.
One parent allows more screen time.
The other values outdoor play.
One household has a later bedtime.
The other follows a strict routine.
Those differences can be frustrating, but they're often just that—differences.
I use the term counter-parenting to describe a pattern in which one parent consistently makes parenting decisions that appear designed to undermine, provoke, or oppose the other parent, rather than simply reflecting a different parenting style.
Whether the motivation is control, retaliation, or something else, the impact on the other parent—and often the child—is the same.
The defining feature of counter-parenting isn't simply different parenting.
It's a recurring pattern in which parenting decisions consistently undermine, provoke, or oppose the other parent.
Sometimes it's subtle.
Sometimes it's obvious.
And for survivors of coercive control, it is often a continuation of the abuse—through the child instead of directly.
What Counter-Parenting Can Look Like
Counter-parenting doesn't always look dramatic.
Often, it looks like a thousand tiny cuts.
It may sound like:
"Your mom is too strict."
"You don't have to follow those rules here."
"I don't know why she makes such a big deal out of that."
It can also show up through choices that the other parent knows will upset or destabilize you.
Maybe they suddenly allow unlimited screen time after years of agreeing on limits.
Maybe they refuse routines that help your child regulate.
Maybe they encourage behaviors you've worked hard to address.
Or maybe they insist on something deeply personal—not because they believe it's best for the child, but because they know it touches one of your deepest wounds.
For me, it showed up in many ways. One of the clearest examples involved our son's education. As an educator, his school environment mattered deeply to me. Before our divorce, we had agreed he would continue attending the private nature-based school he had always known. After I agreed to shared custody, my ex stopped contributing to the tuition, knowing I couldn't afford it alone. During our court case, he first argued that our son should attend a private Christian school—an educational environment he knew I had experienced negatively—before later changing his position and advocating for public school instead. It became another example of taking the opposite position on something that mattered deeply to me, creating yet another battleground.
Survivors of coercive control often recognize this pattern immediately.
Others may dismiss it as "just different parenting."
The difference lies in the pattern.
One is parenting.
The other is using parenting as another avenue for power and control.
Living With Counter-Parenting
Recognizing counter-parenting is one thing.
Living with it is another.
Here's the reality:
You will not have control over what happens in the other home.
Not the routines.
Not the rules.
Not the food.
Not the screen time.
Not even the bigger decisions, sometimes.
And yes—sometimes, the other parent knows exactly what will upset you.
And they do it anyway.
Excessive screen time.
Different discipline styles.
Pushing values or environments that directly contradict your own.
Like insisting on a private religious school—knowing you had a painful experience in that exact type of setting.
This is where parallel parenting becomes more than logistics.
It becomes emotional work.
Radical Acceptance
Before boundaries.
Before communication strategies.
Before parenting plans.
There is one skill that makes parallel parenting possible:
Radical acceptance.
Not approval.
Not agreement.
Not endorsement.
Acceptance.
Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is—not as you wish it were.
Sometimes the reality you are accepting isn't simply that your co-parent parents differently.
It's that they may intentionally parent against you.
That truth is painful.
But once you stop expecting someone committed to control to suddenly begin collaborating, everything changes.
You stop measuring success by whether they change.
You begin measuring success by how grounded, intentional, and emotionally available you remain for your child.
It sounds like:
"I do not like this. And it is still happening."
"I would parent this differently. And I cannot control their choices."
"This is outside of my control—and I will focus on what is within my control."
Without radical acceptance, you stay locked in the loop:
Trying to change them.
Trying to convince them.
Trying to fight every decision.
And that loop is exhausting.
One of the greatest mistakes I see is parents believing they have to win every battle to protect their child.
In reality, constantly fighting every difference often gives the high-conflict parent exactly what they want: your time, energy, and peace.
Learning where to let go isn't giving up on your child.
It's preserving yourself so you can keep showing up as the parent they need.
Radical acceptance is what allows you to step out of that cycle—and reclaim your energy.
Your Power Is In Your Home
Parallel parenting asks a profound shift:
Instead of trying to control both homes...
You become deeply intentional about your own.
Your home becomes:
The place where your values are lived.
The place where your child experiences consistency.
The place where emotional safety is built.
The place where repair happens when needed.
You cannot control what your child experiences everywhere.
But you can create a grounded, stable, loving environment that they return to again and again.
And that matters more than you may realize.
Boundaries: The Skill Most of Us Were Never Taught
For many—especially those coming out of abusive or high-control relationships—boundaries are brand new.
Parallel parenting requires them.
Not just external boundaries—but internal ones.
External boundaries might look like:
Limiting communication to a parenting app or email.
Not engaging in debates about your parenting choices.
Following the parenting plan as written—no more, no less.
Internal boundaries are just as important:
Not spiraling over what you cannot control.
Not over-functioning to compensate for the other home.
Not abandoning your own needs to manage their behavior.
Boundaries are not about controlling the other parent.
They are about protecting your energy, your peace, and your capacity to parent well.
Letting Your Child Have Their Experience
This is another hard truth:
Your child will have different experiences in different homes.
They may adapt.
They may notice differences.
They may even prefer certain things in one home over the other.
That does not mean you are failing.
Children are incredibly perceptive.
What matters most is that they have at least one environment where:
They feel safe.
They feel seen.
They feel regulated.
They feel loved without conditions.
You do not need to be everything, everywhere.
You need to be steady where you are.
Children are learning from both homes—but they are also learning how each home makes them feel.
When It Feels Personal
Because sometimes—it is.
Sometimes the other parent is making choices that feel intentional.
Provocative.
Contradictory.
Even strategic.
Parallel parenting invites a question:
"What happens if I stop reacting?"
Not because it's fair.
But because it frees you.
When you stop engaging in every provocation, you remove the fuel.
And you return your focus to what actually matters:
Your relationship with your child.
Parallel Parenting Is Not Giving Up
It can feel like it.
It can feel like surrender.
Like lowering your standards.
Like letting things happen that you don't agree with.
But it's not giving up.
It's getting strategic.
It's recognizing:
Where your influence actually exists.
Where your energy is best spent.
What creates the most stability for your child.
And choosing to invest there.
Don't Let Counter-Parenting Turn You Into a Counter-Parent
This may be the hardest part.
When someone continually undermines you, it's natural to want to push back.
To correct.
To compete.
To prove to your child that you're right.
But once parenting becomes a competition, your child is the one caught in the middle.
Your greatest strength isn't winning against the other parent.
It's refusing to let their choices dictate yours.
You don't have to mirror their behavior.
You don't have to defend yourself to your child.
You don't have to "even the score."
Instead, become the consistent parent.
The calm parent.
The safe parent.
Children may not understand the difference today.
But over time, they learn who brings peace and who brings chaos.
Consistency leaves a deeper imprint than conflict ever will.
This Is Advanced Parenting
Parallel parenting is not passive.
It is intentional.
It is disciplined.
It is emotionally mature.
And it often requires you to grow in ways you were never taught:
Letting go of control.
Building boundaries.
Regulating your nervous system.
Trusting your influence over time.
This is deep work.
And if you're doing it—you are doing something incredibly powerful.
Final Thought
You may not be able to control the entire environment your child is growing up in.
But you are shaping one of them.
And that matters.
More than you might know.
You cannot stop someone from counter-parenting.
But you can choose, every single day, to parent with intention, consistency, and love.
With love and deep gratitude to walk alongside you,
💖 Natasha
Divorce Doula • Certified High-Conflict Divorce Coach • Certified Mediator
Educator • Survivor • Advocate • Author • Artist